The Spaceship headquarters of the Lurker, where his assistants showed a strange combination of heroes their mission.
The view screen showed the burning, destitute planet Apuffylips. Its gigantic fire pits could be seen smoldering from space.
“Apuffylips! Uh oh.” Amazing Guy (aka Scott Brunsen) replied after viewing the planet.
“What? Thugos is at it again?” Trickshot asked.
“And you picked US? I don’t know the guy with the TV remote or the little spooky kid but shouldn’t you have picked Mr. Epitome, Finny, Yo, Hatman?” Jack Rabbit complained.
“Hey! I’m not small potatoes! I can take ‘em!” Tricky shot back.
“We’re doomed!” Jack raised his arms in defeat.
“Stuff it rabbit boy! Just ‘cuase we’re friends doesn’t mean I won’t belt ya one!”
AG got in the middle, “Guys hold it! This isn’t the time.”
“This is a waste of my time Humdinger. With all due respect, there are others much more qualified to travel the space ways. Let me return to the service I can provide elsewhere.” Annabelle’s eerie voice sent chills through the other’s spines.
“All of you are needed. The task at hand is a simple one. Residing on Apuffylips are several whom could be convinced to join our cause.”
As Humdinger explained their mission the screen changed to show Splendiferous Stuart, Grendlarg, Torkamahda, Kwatrain and Steppenstoat.
“These are Dark Thugos’ most trusted agents. While he has been absent fulfilling his role as the Destroyer of Tales, these here have been performing little skirmishes against each other. We need you five to go in and unify them.”
“She doesn’t expect much, does she?” Jack mumbled to Tricky. He grinned.
Access and I will explain better when we get there.”
Annabelle raised her hand.
“Yes?”
“There is someone I’m…” she glanced at Jack Rabbit and AG, “protecting back in Parodopolis. I need to be available for... this person in two night’s time. Will we be back by then?”
“You should be back tonight. We can take you there and back and the mission will only take a few hours.”
“Thank you.”
“Well then let us be off.” Humdinger concluded and in a flash of light she, Access, Amazing Guy, Trickshot, Jack Rabbit, Justin Tyme and Annabelle were gone.
JBH #18, “Yes, I am ‘freaky’. Yet my dress does not smell of beer like your strange purple underwear does.”
The terrible war planet Apuffylips, where five Earthlings have found themselves in the midst of thousands of flying, armed Parrot Demons.
It’s an incredible sight. Amazing Guy flies through a crowd of the creatures in his Multiversal aura, grabbing his foes and throwing them aside or smashing them into a wall. His energy looks like a dazzling star field, distracting the simple minded Parrot Demons enough before swatting them down out of the sky.
Trickshot sends forth a barrage of explosive arrows in every direction while flipping and leaping onto the strange rocks and broken architecture of the landscape.
Jack Rabbit easily keeps up with his old friend, bounding over the Parrot Demons then kicking them back with his incredible legs. No matter how many creatures try to attack him from behind he can easily pick them out with his incredible hearing, spin around and slash at them with his claws.
Justin Tyme rides along on a hover flyer given to him by Humdinger. With his brilliant mind for the technology of his era, he knows how to handle the machine and be able to keep tabs on how many foes are on the way. He can also pick up on the machines where their targets are current located on the planet.
Finally, the last member of their strange group, Annabelle Forsight, glides easily through the air, grabs the Demons by their wings and gently tosses them aside. Some she allows to charge her, then she fools them by turning into mist, causing them to smack into the walls outside the courtyard of the central Apuffyliptain Palace.
She giggled as one particularly large Parrot Demon went right through her and into a spiky wall.
“Is it just me or is that kid freaky?” Jack asked as he sprung over a Parrot Demon’s head then bounced another into the first.
“Maybe she has bad parents? Some kids these days are so messed up from parents who just don’t care.” AG explained as he enclosed five Parrot Demons in a bubble, shook them up and emptied them onto the ground, hard. “Just the other day at my kids parent teacher conference there was this guy who…”
“AG, Bunny-Boy’s right. The kid is freaky.” Tricky smirked as he electrocuted six Parrot Demons with one arrow.
Annabelle glided behind Trickshot with her own smirk. Hers was more intimidating for some reason. “Yes, I am ‘freaky’. Yet my dress does not smell of beer like your strange purple underwear does.” She smashed a Parrot Demon’s nose in. That one was coming up behind the arrogant archer.
“No. Your dress smells like blood. Ew!” Jack flipped, has his hands on the ground while his legs, in the air, kicked a Parrot Demon into another. “But given the fact that it’s night here on Bad Kirby Reject Fun Park Land, and your teeth are oh so pointy, and that’s such a cute look for you by the way, lets start over. I’m Jack!” he landed in front of the hovering pale child and stuck his hand out. “Nice ta meetcha!”
She gently shook it. “Charmed. I am Annabelle and I must admit I feel far from home.” She turned to a bat and flew over the startled rabbit hero.
AG’s Father-sense kicked in, “You poor kid. I bet your parent… vampires are worried.”
“I have a father but he’s not my real father. My parents died a long time ago.”
“She’s a vampire AG. She’s probably in the hundreds by now. Like Mumph.”
“Yes. The rude mortal is correct. I’m… three hundred? That’s strange? Why does my past seem so cloudy?”
“Don’t sweat it red.” Tricky replied while taking out more Parrot Demons, “Old people always forget stuff.”
“Not me. I never do.”
“Uh guys?” Justin broke in, “Not to interrupt but this scanner Humdinger gave me says we should head into that palace.”
“Thanks Justin! Alright JBH! Lets go!” Amazing Guy commanded his ‘team’ as he took out the last of the Parrot Demon squad.
Jack crouched on a stone statute and looked up at the glowing hero, “Wait, this is the JBH? What about my sister Jackie? Or that kid who loves her? Carrot Kid? Do they know you changed the group already?”
“The shrimp is called Kid Produce and he’s right AG. I don’t think Jackie will like the idea of me being back on the team. I wasn’t very popular the last time.” Trickshot brought up.
“It’s just for this mission guys. I think if we think of ourselves as a team, we’ll work as a team.”
“Couldn’t hurt I guess.” Jack replied while bouncing towards the doors. He landed and asked, “Ok AG, open them up! I would say ‘Open Sesame’ but somehow I don’t think it will work.”
The cute little bat with the red tuff of fur on her head fluttered to the doors then turned back to her mortal shape. “No need. I will do my part.” With her little child arms she ripped the twelve-foot iron doors from the wall and gently tossed them aside.
“Alright, I want this kid around when I need to work under my Flying Ass.”
Everyone looked at Tricky.
“Hey! It’s my flying bike! It’s heavy! I cant work on it and lift it. What?”
“Come on team.” AG led the way into the palace.
The candle lit interior was imposing and immense. The was a strange silence broken only by the humming of the flying machine Justin piloted. Amazing Guy and Annabelle floated beside Justin while Trickshot and Jack Rabbit walked up the grand staircase.
“Whew! Thugos sure knows how to fancy up a house! Think he was ever on that TV remodeling show on cable?”
“Some how I don’t think so Jack. Stay alive people! Last report was that Thugos was away being the Destroyer of Tales. His lieutenants are in charge now and they can be pretty rough.”
Annabelle looked at the shimmering Multiversal aura around AG. “I wonder if I can ever get used to that mortal. I should tell you that the bubble of stars you created to carry us to this planet from Humdinger’s shuttle was fascinating. I’ve never seen anything like it!”
“Thank you Annabelle. I guess after using these powers for a couple of years I tend to get used to them. You know, I have four children and they would like to meet you. One of my daughters thinks monsters are cool. Not that you’re a monster or anything.”
She smirked. “I understand what you mean.”
“I’ve got a question.”
“Yes… Justin was it?”
“Yes. Justin Tyme. I’m originally from the future and in my time period we don’t see many vampires. Are you really.. uh.. one?”
She laughed. “Yes Justin. I do hope the absence of my kind in your era doesn’t mean anything bad for us.”
“I really don’t know. A lot of the strange mystical beings I’ve met in my travels I’d always thought to be legends before. Guess there is a lot to learn.”
“Yes. I’m still learning after all this time myself.”
“So Justin, how much farther? Thugos’ machines can block my cosmic senses so I just cant tell.”
“I’m picking up some very powerful readings just down the hall AG. I’m glad Humdinger gave me these remote devices. She and Access cant get a good bead on us because of the planet wide disturbances.”
“That Humdinger is a work of art.” Tricky commented. He was tense as years of carefully honed skills made him prepared for any trap.
“Why do you say that Purple Puss?” Jack was listening everywhere for anyone who might be following them.
“She’s just so dramatic. All those flashes of light, only to teleport us to a shuttlecraft then her boy friend flies us all here while she preaches on about the end of the world.”
“Heh. Yeah she sure acts like a soap opera queen.”
“I think she just needs to get laid.”
Justin and AG’s jaws dropped while Jack laughed out loud.
The ground shuddered a bit thanks to the constant earth tremors Apuffylips has been suffering from since the Crisis began.
Elsewhere in the Minister of Torment’s “Research Lab”, a screaming man finally breathes his last.
“It’s about time he shut up! His constant moaning and screaming was starting to bother me.” Gloriana said with disdain. “I cannot see how it does not bother you Torkamahda.”
The Minister of Torment allowed himself a smile as he imagined what he would do with Gloriana under his care. “I find my subject’s cries quite comforting and relaxing myself.”
“You would.” She sniffed then turned to look at the viewing screen that showed the five Earthling intruders as they searched through the main Palace. “Well Stuart, what is your plan for these pathetic fools?”
Splendiferous Stuart gave a greedy smile, “Oh I would not call them pathetic Gloriana. They did stroll straight into this building, saving us the time and recorders to collect them. Two of them will be perfect for our endeavors.”
Torkamahda spoke up without turning his attention from is horrific work on his next victim, “The Protector of the Parodyverse is mine. I’ve longed to get him on my table since his last visit. I would like to have that Terran vampire. I’ve never cut one of those before.”
“You can have the so called Protector.” Stuart snarled when he said ‘Protector’, “But the vampire girl is mine.”
“Going a little young aren’t we Stuart?” Gloriana mocked.
“No.” he hissed. “I believe one with her abilities could serve us far better whole physically. Besides, she’s a creature of evil. All vampires are.”
“What of those other three?”
Splendiferous Stuart smiled, “We’ll give them to Granny. She’s always complaining she needs more Ferret Soldiers.”
One of the late Lurker’s Remote Shuttles orbits the planet Apuffylips. Inside it Access and Humdinger try to use the various controls to cut through the static.
“It’s useless Leeta. There just is two much interference.”
“Yes Scott. You’re right. We’ll just have to hope they can get the message delivered and Justin can activate the retreval device without any of them running into problems.”
“I don’t understand though. Why couldn’t we just go down with them?”
“I thought it would be wise to stay behind, in case they needed back up.”
“Wait.” Access said as the warning beacon flashed. “What if WE need back up?”
“What?”
The missiles that shot from the planet impacted with the small Remote Shuttle, exploding it in a beautiful explosion that lit up the sky.
“STOP… MOVING!” Kwatrain, the master assassin, commanded to Annabelle but she did not listen. For every slash of his sword she would speed around in an inhuman blur, striking him all over his body and ripping his fancy clothes.
“You call your self a master yet you have not even touched me. Maybe you should attend some sort of class?”
TWANG!
The boxing glove arrow knocked Kwatrain out. “Bums like him don’t have no class kid.” Trickshot smiled.
“Stand still mortal pest!” Steppenstoat commanded as he tried to make contact on Jack’s skull with his weapons.
Jack ducked, jumped, and passed the General with a smile, “So I’m just a mortal pest huh? Well I’m offended Steppy! You make me sound oh so ordinary!” as Jack sped around Steppenstoat’s arm he grabbed the general’s war axe and bounced away. “Hey! How much you think I could get for this on Ebay?”
“GIVE THAT BACK!”
Jack remained just out of the general’s reach. “General Step-on-toad’s real Axe thingy! Starting bid… ah, 99 cents? Hey! Is this a ‘Made in Badrapoor’ sign engraved on the back? Well if you’re going to use cheap knock offs…”
“I’ll crush your bones for my soup!”
“Rabbit soup is so yesterday. Besides, it’s duck season.”
A Multiversal energy fist smashed Steppenstoat through three walls and out the building (and they were five stories up). “I could watch you make fun of him all day Jack but we’ve got bigger fish to fry.”
“I believe you are referring to me Protector of the Parodyverse.” Dark Thugos said with a gravelly voice that sent chills down the heroes’ collective spins.
Jack replied while subconsciously gripping Steppenstoat’s War Axe tighter, “Aren’t you supposed to be dead?”
“As the Destroyer of Stories I have the freedom to return when I wish. I rule here and when I am absent attending to my duties my lieutenants manage things. Now tell me, tiny specks, why have you beaten two of them down?”
Annabelle stood in the background, fascinated at the shear power of such a being. Trickshot moved towards the front besides a glowing Amazing Guy and a crouching Jack Rabbit. Tricky pulled and aimed a arrow towards the Master of Apocalyspe. Justin Tyme stood on his hover device and watched. He was so scared he was starting to sweat.
AG spoke for them, “Dark Thugos, we defeated Steppenstoat and Kwatrain because we were attacked. We have come here to ask you if you and your followers would like to join us in stopping the Cowled Crook. He has destroyed world after world. It won’t be long before he destroys Apuffylips as well.”
“The new name for my main base is now Apocalyspe. Learn it well. As for it’s survival that does not matter. I worship Death. Why would I not want my followers to embrace it?”
“Come on Thuggy! You can’t let a bigger dog pee on your lawn!”
Thugos ignored Trickshot’s comment and continued, “As a gesture of support and in recognition of the potential you have shown I will give you five a gift.”
Thugos fired his entropy eyebeams at them and all five vanished in a crimson light of death. The hover platform Justin was riding crashed to the floor in a fiery mess.
Granny Grimness' Joy Orphanage, where Granny has just gained three new recruits.
Jack, Justin and Tricky look up from where the three of them were lying on the floor in a jumbled mess.
“Well that was rude! See if I buy him a card on Favorite Villain Day!” Jack said while rubbing the back of his head.
“Wait! Where are we? Were are AG and that vampire kid? And who are those guys?” Justin wondered. He was pretty used to finding himself in new surroundings all the time.
A hundred Ferret Soldiers, all whom aimed their weapons at the trio, surrounded them.
“Hello my darlings!” the old, large and very evil Granny Grimness smiled falsely. “The Master has agreed to Splendiferous Stuart’s idea. He has allowed you to come to Granny’s Orphanage for training to maximize your potential as lethal warriors. Here I will make good little Ferret Soldiers out of you.”
“Stick it in your depends grandma!” Trickshot shot back as he got up to aim and fire his gravy arrow.
One of Granny’s Ferret Soldiers grabbed it out of the air with his fast reflexes.
“Crap.”
“I think not. You three have been very naughty little boys! I think some time on the Pain Racks should do you some good!”
Tricky, Jack and Justin were grabbed by the Ferret Soldiers. Trickshot’s bow and quiver full of arrows were taken away.
“Give that back you $%^# mother ^&*^$ with a side order of &*(^$!”
“Such language! My my my! Granny will have to wash your mouth out with acid.”
“Granny, the one in the glasses had this in his pocket.” The Ferret Soldier held up Justin Tyme’s Chrono Displacement Device. It resembled a Television remote.
“HEY! Be careful with that!”
“Sorry pumpkin, but all weapons will be inspected for any threat potential. Don’t try to escape. Only one student has ever got out of alive before and we have beefed up security since then. Even the Master’s traitor of a son is trapped here. He hasn’t been able to escape so how do you think a few powerless mortals can do it?”
“Easy! While you and your little darlings have a nap nap Grandma, we’ll just sneak out. It’s what we do!” Jack said with a cheery face. At least it was cheery until a Ferret Soldier jabbed a Pain Stick in his ribcage.
“Take them to the Pain Racks my little darlings!”
Annabelle woke up on a nice, soft bed. Her first thoughts were filled with panic. Is the sun up? Where was she?
Looking around she realized by the darkness outside that she was safe.
She instantly remembered the events that led up to where she was. She got up and looked out the window.
At night Apocalyspe could be very beautiful in a strange way. The giant Fever Blisters that ran through out the planet, spewing lava on a regulated schedule, lit up the night sky to give it a certain orange-red color.
“It’s beautiful, is it not?” Splendiferous Stuart asked from the doorway. He closed it and locked it behind him.
She continued to look outside. “Why did you bring me here?”
“You are my guest. I believe we have plenty to discuss.”
Annabelle continued to watch the dancing flames. “Where are the others? Are they safe?”
“They have been sent elsewhere. Why do you care? They are mortals, beneath our notice.”
“They are my friends.” She turned to look at the man. He stood there without a care in the entire world. He was dressed in fancy clothes and had the mannerisms of someone entirely sure that they were always right and everyone else was cracked. “Set them free. Set us all free.”
“I think not little one.” Stuart fingered one of the marble looking support columns with a certain bored expression. “Torkamahda wanted to experiment on you, you know. He was very excited to get you on his examination table and cut you open. I told him that as a vampire you would be of far more use serving us. I gave Amazing Guy to him instead.”
“How thoughtful of you.” She started circling him. He began doing the same.
“I try. Do you realize we could make it so that you could roam during the day? Yes. It’s true. All you would have to do is submit to us.”
“I’ve had that opportunity already.” She held up her hand as if to turn away the idea, “Not interested.”
“Oh come now! Every vampire is interested! By joining with us, by serving me, you could still feed and fly and do all the evil things vampires do but this time with no limits! It would be a natural fit! I know you are inherently evil. You’re a vampire! It’s in your blood.”
Annabelle wanted to grab him and explain that she was not evil. That she has strived all her life to prove that she was still good inside. She calmed herself. She had nothing to prove.
“Yes little one. You can feel what I have to offer. Come. You will serve me, wont you?”
Most mortals would easily fall before Stuart’s penetrating, mesmerizing eyes. There just was something about him people just had to follow. He seemed so inviting and honest.
Not to Annabelle however. Instead of surrendering, she bust up laughing.
“You are a funny little mortal! You truly think your powers of persuasion is enough to control me?”
“I… No. You have no control here girl. I am a god!”
“She looked him directly in the eyes, “No little man. You are a mortal who THINKS he’s a god. Nothing more.”
As she casually stepped closer he stepped back against the wall.
“A foolish little man who has become so used to getting whatever he wants that he has begun to believe his own press. Now it is time for you to listen to me.”
“Yes.”
“Where is Amazing Guy, Trickshot, Jack Rabbit and Justin Tyme?”
“Amazing Guy is two floors above us and the other three are at Granny’s Orphanage. You can access it by the underground tunnels. Just head North. It is side by side to the Prison Cells for the more powerful foes of the Master.”
“Thank you. Now go to sleep and rest for six months in your own drool. When you wake you will forget this encounter. Good night.”
“Yaaawn g’night.”
As the three men were escorted to their fate Justin noticed Trickshot was trying to get Jack’s attention. They were walking single file with the Laughing Lupine in the front and the Arrogant Archer in the back.
Tricky deliberately bumped Justin in the back so when he glanced back he could see the pointed look on Trickshot’s face. As least be fore getting hit with an electro-stick.
“Eyes up front!” the Ferret Soldier warned.
The time traveler thought of Jack’s amazing ears and hoped he would pick up the slightest sounds. “Jack, distract them.”
Jack’s left ear slightly twitched. His mask was set up so that any action his real ears would make, his big costume ears would copy.
“So I have a question!”
ZZZAP! “BE SILENT!”
“Uugh! So at night does Granny tell you guys stories before night night time?”
ZZZAP! “I SAID BE SILENT!”
“Ooow! I was just wondering because you guys are… ugh!…so… UGGH!… grouchy! OWW!”
Justin heard a tiny click and in a blur of motion Trickshot was free and had decked both Ferret Soldiers.
“THE PRISONER IS FREE!”
He then moved quickly, dodging several electro-sticks, and with something small in his hand unlocked Jack’s bounds.
“Hey!” Jack punched the soldier who had hit him with his electro-stick “If you cant behave with your grandmother’s toys, you don’t get them!” He then kicked two more soldiers into several more that were just barley reacting..
“I always keep my Skeleton key hidden. This isn’t the first time some looser captured Br’er Tricky!” he explained to Justin as he unlocked him.
Before the man lost in time could react, the other two had taken down the rest of their escorts.
“Come on guys!” Trickshot commanded. “The guys who took our stuff went that way.”
“AARRRRGGH!”
Torkamahda smiled as Amazing Guy screamed on the rack. “Now now. It can’t be all that bad.”
AG was silent as he breathed in heavily. He continued to try and focus on his power, trying to manipulate Multiversal Energy to break free.
After more mental exertion he slumped back to rest for a moment. He could not get the Power Inhibitor Band off of his head and as long as that was there his access to the inner stratum between universes was inhibited.
Torkamahda stood up from his chair and started to cross his lab. “Now I’ll stop using the Electro-Prongs and try the Anti-Matter Knives. We’ll see what a few well placed incisions will show.”
Scott just glared at the Master of Torment. He was so upset at the man he did not notice the eerie crimson mist as it floated around the top of his head.
CRUNCH!
He did notice his power flowing back.
“What?” Torkamahda’s head spun towards the formally captive Protector of the Parodyverse to see Annabelle staring back at him like a hungry predator.
“The vampire!” Torkamahda enthused. “Great! I was hoping…” SMACK! WHOOSH CRASH!
Before the evil tormentor could reach a lever a giant hand made up of Multiversal Energy pushed him into a wall, hard.
“I wish we could end his brand of torment.” Annabelle said while looking at the fallen man.
“Yeah. Me too. We can’t though.”
“I know.” She spun on her heals, “Come. Let’s go find the others. So tell me AG, do you have any hobbies?”
“Sure. I’ve been trying my hand at writing…”
Granny’s Toy Room, where all the weapons and equipment that naughty boys and girls have brought with them to the Joy Orphanage is put.
As Trickshot strapped on his quiver and Jack sniffed around, Justin inspected his device.
“It’s ok. Whew! I was worried.”
“So what’s the big deal four eyes? Why do you care about your TV remote?”
“Maybe it’s the only one that works for him. My Aunt Maybenot cant understand hers. Those things can get veeeerry complicated!”
Justin ignored Jack and answered, “It’s my Chrono Displacement Device or Timer for short.”
“Timer? But that’s not short for…”
“Shush Rabbit Boy, the Egg head is talkin. Go on.”
“Well I invented it. See I adjust the controls here to take me to the past or future. There are controls on this to set it to the second, minute, hour, day, week, month, year and century. I can even adjust where I’ll end up.”
“A TIME MACHINE! You’re from the future!”
“Give the rabbit a prize! So four eyes, I think we met once before.”
“Yes, we did. In the Nevada desert. It was after my trip to the Old West.”
“Heh. The Old West. I’ve always wondered what it would be like to…”
“Guys? You might want to look at the monitor.”
“Alright big ears what is it?” Trickshot did not need to ask any further because the particular monitor they were all watching showed Humdinger’s shuttle in orbit and the missiles that struck it. They watched it reply over and over as their ride home exploded and the two inside seemingly died.
On instinct Tricky glanced at the unconscious guards on the floor. “Enough chattin’. We gotta find AG and th’ kid and get out. Of here.”
“I wonder if they escaped?” Justin was still watching the screen. Jack grabbed him by the arm, “Come on Justin. Too much TV is bad for the eyes.”
Tricky carefully looked down both ways of the corridor. “Don’t worry, if they didn’t it’s more reasons to tear this place down.”
“Uh Tricky, I thought you wanted to escape this place?”
“I do Jack. But that don’t mean I wont be back, with friends.”
“I thought we were your friends?” Jack placed his hands against his chest and looked forlorn, “I’m crushed! You don’t love us any more!”
Trickshot ran down the corridor with an arrow notched. Justin, looking confused, followed after looking back at Jack.
“Wait! Can’t we be friends! I promise not to give all your beer to Swift anymore!” Jack bounced with his radioactive rabbit-bite enhanced legs over the two of them.
“Shut up fur ball or I’ll give you to the old bat as a present!”
“You shouldn’t talk about Annabelle like that!”
“I meant the Granny! Now come on! I saw a sign that said the Master’s son was locked up down here.”
“I love how she treats her guests.”
“I’ll show her a treat. I’ll just bet she’s never had an electro-arrow shoved up her @#$ before!”
Jack smiles, “Don’t you just love him? He’s got such a caring personality.”
They came up to a large door with a control panel beside it. It had strange Apocalysptian letters on it.
“This is it!”
“You can read that stuff?”
“Yeah. Some what. Mumph made us learn several hostile alien writin’. Said it would help the Legion in tough spots. Guess he wus right. Well Four Eyes, can you open it?”
“I’m from the future, not this planet. These controls don’t look to familiar.”
Trickshot rolled his eyes and crammed a strange arrow head into the controls. “Step back!”
One small explosion later and the large door opened.
Jack landed in front of the other two and peered inside the large, dark cell. “Heeeellloooo! Anybody home? We’re with the Church of Cheese and Rice and Rattle-Day Snakes and we have an important message about our Lord…”
“ALL WHO LOCKED ME IN HERE WILL DIE A THOUSAND DEATHS!” came a reply as a large hairy arm almost smashed Jack into rabbit paste.
“A simple “I’m satisfied with my religion” would’ve worked!” Jack replied back as he leaped away from the hairy, brown clothed, nine-foot tall monster. “Elder Tricky, lets track a different neighborhood! These guys are all Baptists!”
“I am Grendlarg! Son of Dark Thugos! The other lieutenants locked me in there but thanks to you fools I am free!”
“%^&$!” Trickshot swore. “Wrong son of Thugos.”
“Just how many sons does he have?” Justin asked while franticly looking for some place to hide.
“Don’t know. Maybe he’s like a rabbit?” Tricky replied while aiming an arrow towards Grendlarg’s robotic arm. One of the large man’s arms was missing and replaced with a robot limb.
Jack would not stand still but instead leaped around. “HEY! Us rabbits aren’t all sex machines! So Grind-large, since we set you free are you going to help us free our friends and escape?”
“No.” Grendlarg closed his eyes and focused. Suddenly his thick metal mace flew through the air and he had caught it with his normal arm. “I am going to kill you as an offering to my father. I will prove to him what an obedient son I can be!” He smashed the mace down on the floor, barley missing Jack.
“Oh. Just thought I would ask.”
TWANG! ZZZZAT! KABOOM!
“Electric-explosive arrow.” Trickshot explained as he and Justin ran down the corridor. Jack bounced over them.
“I thought you could read Apocalysptian writing?” Justin asked him.
“Hey, I took a few naps. Sue me! Come on guys!”
Trickshot led them down a different corridor. “Here!” he tossed a small box to Justin.
“What’s this?”
“I don’t know. I swiped it from the room where our stuff was held. It looks like a little computer.”
“It is! THIS I recognize! I’ve seen pictures of it in the museum!”
“So? What is it?”
“It’s a Grandmother Box!”
“Uh oh! Granny wont like how you stole her box!” Jack replied while leaping over them.
“No it’s not hers! A guy named Mopetron created it. Rumor has it his people would use it to open portals. It’s a very old sentient computer!”
PING! PING! PING!
“Why is it making that noise?”
“I think it’s located someone!” Justin said excitedly.
“I’LL CRUSH YOUR BONES! MY FATHER WILL BE SO PROUD OF ME! FATHER! LOOK AT ME NOW!” they could hear Grendlarg’s shouts coming from down the corridor.
“Uh guys, no need to panic but Norman Bates on crack is coming!”
PING! PING! PING!
“It gets louder when I hold it up to this cell.”
“Well let’s see who’s in there then.” Tricky held up another explosive arrow tip.
“Trickshot I don’t know if that’s such a good idea.”
“Don’t freak kid. We need some help. Somebody in this place has to be sane.”
“HE’LL LOVE ME! YES HE WILL! I’LL BITE OFF YOUR LITTLE HEADS AND FATHER WILL LOVE ME!”
Jack commented in a sing song voice, “Guys, he’s getting cloooser!”
Another small explosion and the cell door flew open.
A loud angry voice could be heard inside, “LET SLIP THE DOGGIE OF WAR! THE SON OF DARK THUGOS IS FREE!”
A man in tattered red and blue rags with a funny dented helmet charged out of the cell. His face was contorted with rage. “I SHALL KILL ALL THOSE WHO PUT ME IN HERE! Did YOU put me in here?” the red headed man with the bucket in his arms shouted as he looked at the three heroes.
“Nope pal. We’re the guys who set you free. The looser who put you in here is coming around the corner.” Trickshot explained.
“FATHER I AM ALMOST UPON THEM! I WILL CRUSH THEIR BONES!”
The man gave a strange, hungry look. His eyes went wild. “That’s Grendlarg! I WILL KILL HIM FOR WHAT HE’S DONE!”
“Does every prisoner shout at the top of their lungs around here?” Trickshot wondered as the man sped pass them with his bucket helmet placed on his head. He ran around the corner at an incredible speed. The three heroes followed.
“Maybe it’s the food? Maybe the beans look like putting and the putting looks like beans?” Jack wondered.
“Trickshot, Jack, I think we should get out of here.” Justin warned.
Tricky was watching the Granny’s Ferret Soldiers charge in from the other side of the corridor. “Ah we can take ‘em.” he turned and saw what Jack and Justin were watching with wide eyes.
The man in red and blue grabbed a cell and lifted it over his head. It must have been welded to the larger framework because about a hundred cells went into the air with the one he hefted up.
The three heroes watched as the man smashed the large metal framework on top of Grendlarg.
Tricky replied with a smirk, “I like this guy!”
The man spoke as Grendlarg started to rip his way out of the twisted metal, “Tremble in fear wretch! We may share the same father but I have sworn to put an end to ALL his works! Thugos will die and I shall kill him!”
Grendlarg (who clearly was double the man’s size) actually looked in fear for one brief moment. “It IS you! You have been freed? Well what better way to earn my father’s respect then to kill his traitor of a son?”
With a loud smack Grendlarg punched the man. Everyone looked on in shock as the newcomer to the battle did not even budge.
“Grendlarg you day has come! I reject your master, my father! SO SWEARS ONION!”
“I wonder if he got that name from his breath? Peeuu!” Jack said while pinching his nose.
"Onion?" snorted Trickshot. "Whut the hell kind of hero calls hisself Onion?"
The son of Thugos turned his stony stare on the irritating archer. "One who makes his enemies weep."
Tricky shrugged his agreement as he watched the angered man plow into Grendlarg. “All I know is our pal Onion has made a name for himself. Look at those dweebs!” Trickshot pointed to the massive army of Ferret Soldiers who all watched the battle in fear. The more the two titans tussled the more the soldiers looked like they where thinking of running the other way.
Metal flew everywhere as the two sons of Thugos shouted at each other.
Jack and Justin could not help but watch. It was like a fascinating car wreak. Tricky, however, looked for another exit.
He could not find one.
“What are you doing you rotten children?” Granny Grimness demanded of her troops. “Those naughty boys are breaking my cells and you just stand there and cower?”
There were roughly five hundred Ferret Soldiers standing there. Their collective youths were spent at Granny’s mercy. That fact made them instantly turn to face her. That fact made then shudder all the more at the simple curl of her fat lower lip. That fact alone is what made them act, defying all logic as they charged the one man they feared almost as much as their Granny.
Justin, Jack and Trickshot became washed in a wave of Ferret Soldiers. Jack leaped, scratched and kicked but there were too many. Trickshot aimed and fired explosive arrows at the shaky metal frame work but it was getting harder and harder to maneuver. Justin, his timer tucked safely away, clutched onto the Grandmother Box.
“Onion must be fun at parties.” Jack commented as he watched the rebel son of Dark Thugos took out fifty men with one swing.
“Yes, but the more he takes out the more come in. There’s got to be a way out of here!” The three heroes, thanks to Jack, were sitting precariously on the rafters, watching Onion take on both Grendlarg and thousands of Ferret Soldiers. Alarm claxons were going off.
Trickshot laughed and pointed to the north. “Heh. Here comes our way home guys!”
Large flashes of Multiversal energy lit up the corridor. Hundreds of soldiers were plowed over as Amazing Guy flew towards his friends. Annabelle fluttered beside him in her bat form.
AG plowed back enough of a circle that the five heroes stood back to back.
“ENOUGH MY DARLINGS!”
Ignoring the tremendous battle between Onion and Grendlarg going on down the gutted corridor, the rest of the Ferret Soldiers surrounded the heroes. As one they aimed their weapons.
The smoke filled sky was above them as the Orphanage’s special prison had gained a new sun roof thanks to Onion’s battle.
“Tisk, tisk, tisk you naughty children. All five of you have been very bad. Granny has you surrounded with a thousand of her precious children. Time to put your toys away and submit to your punishments.”
“Why don’t you shove it in your…”
“Trickshot not now! Granny will you let us go? This is your final warning.” Amazing Guy glared at her.
Annabelle caught Granny’s eyes, “Yes woman. You will let us go. We are too much trouble.”
Granny laughed a deep, disturbing laugh. “Foolish brat! Don’t you think I have prepared myself for mind tricks?”
“It’s over mortals.” Steppenstoat announced as he arrived with Kwatrain and a thousand Parrot Troopers.
“It will never be over Steppenstoat. I’ll fight to my dying breath to shut this place down!” Amazing Guy warned. His hands were glowing with his energy.
“Sounds like fun.” Kwatrain smiled.
“Fun? Sheeyah sure. I’ll show you fun a%^^% when I shoot a new $%#@ hole through your front.”
“Ow! My ever loving big ears! Now you did it losers! You pissed Tricky off. You made him swear in front of a little girl.”
Annabelle’s crimson eyes grew dark. She looked deep into Granny’s soul. “This ‘little girl’ has some ideas of her very own. There are children here. I smell them. They fear you mortal. Maybe it’s time you feared someone?”
“Guys I think I know how to work this box!” Justin said with excitement.
DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
The five were rocked back. Onion and Grendlarg stopped their constant struggle and looked at the new arrival who just Doom Tubed into the center of the circle AG has made.
A well known, well feared gravelly voice calmly spoke, “I have seen enough. My loyal servants, you have fought well. I believe our foes have earned themselves the honor of facing your master now.”
“THUGOS! THUUUUUUUGOOOOOSSS! DIE FOR ALL YOU HAVE DONE!” Onion charged his hated father.
“So my traitorous son has once again gained his freedom.”
With a casual flick of Thugos’ hand the powerful Onion was tossed aside. A true testament to the Onion’s will, determination and power, he picked himself up and charged again.
A flash of crimson and Thugos’ entropy eye beams zapped Onion. They held him in place.
“I am weak father and that is the only reason you can hold me like this! I will heal! You can not kill me because I am immune to your power! I will kill you! This I swear!”
“True my disappointment of a son. I must find a different means to defeat you. Grendlarg come forth!”
The large, hairy brute looked so different as he kneeled on the ground, completely humbled. “Yes my great father and master?”
“I have a job for you.”
Grendlarg looked up with a sick joy upon his face.
“Kill this traitor who I used to call my son. I will send you both into the future to do battle. You will arrive at a time and place that I choose. A threat far greater is coming and I have plans to survive it. Prove you are worthy to be my son Grendlarg!”
“Yes my father!”
Thugos eye beams flashed and both men were gone.
Then the Master of Apocalyspe turned his attention to the five heroes.
“Uh Mr. Time Machine? Is that gizmo ready? I really don’t want to wind up as that guy’s dinner!”
“What thing?”
“Seems Four-eyes here found somethin’ called a Grandmother Box.”
“You did? Activate it Justin! And think about some place far from here!”
“I do not understand. What will some grandmother’s box do for us?”
“It opens portals Annabelle.”
“Wait Egg head. We’re not done beating these guys up for being A-holes!”
“There is still another Crisis to deal with. We’ll return later Carl!”
“You bet I will! And I’ll bring some very powerful friends Thugos! We’ll tear this place apart!”
Dark Thugos gave as close to a smile as his granite face would allow. “You are welcome to return little mortal. I know of the Legion’s arrival. I also know of many other things to come. I have prepared for everything.”
Justin activated the Grandmother Box.
DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMM!
The Lurker’s ship inside the Neververse,
Humdinger and Greg Dean were watching the monitors for some sign.
DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMM!
“Guys, I think they’re here!” Access called.
Annabelle, Trickshot, Amazing Guy, Jack Rabbit and Justin Tyme stepped out of the rapidly closing portal.
“HEY HEY HEY! You two are alive!” Jack bounced around, hugging both Access and Humdinger.
“I teleported us here at the last minute.” Access explained.
AG said as he looked out towards the stars, “Well I guess the villains of Apocalyspe will be of no help.”
“Nope. Those turkeys are on there own in this Crisis.” Jack replied as he crouched beside him.
“Somehow I fear there kind will always survive.” Annabelle said as she joined them.
“So do any of you think we’ll see them again?” Justin asked as he stood next to Jack.
Trickshot had a determined gleam in his eyes, “Count on it.”
Next time, JBH #19 “All Good Things Come To An End.” It’s our very last issue that features the repercussions of the Crisis. It takes place one year after Crisis (maybe more, it’ll be during the current continuity) as we look in on Amazing Guy, Jackie Rabbit, Jack Rabbit, Kid Produce, Eli the Elemental, Desert Rose and a couple more members of my cast.
Due out after the Crisis on Infinite Parodyverses.
FOOTNOTES
Why this issue?
Simply put, I wanted a team up of my “icons”.
See I have a thing for iconic teams. I like my JLA that way at least.
Some time in ’04 I was pondering who I thought were my icons. Which of my characters stood out. I decided that that would be the various characters who have had their own series.
Amazing Guy has been the long time star of Amazing Tales.
Trickshot has stared in various one shots, one mini series and been a part of the LL for a long, wonderful time.
Jack Rabbit had his own series for a long while in The Adventures of Jack Rabbit (I think I called it that.)
Justin Tyme is the star of Tyme Travels
Annabelle, the newest of these, shared Children of the Night with her brother. I did not include Roland because I did not want them taking over the narrative and mainly, because I wanted an even balance.
So I was pondering this and knowing what I know will be the various outcomes for most these characters, I knew the Crisis was my only chance to put these five together for one story.
What did you think? Like them as a team? Hate them? Do you miss Jackie and Jasper? Let me know.
A BIG thank you to Ian for this reply...
"Onion?" snorted Trickshot. "Whut the hell kind of hero calls hisself Onion?"
The son of Thugos turned his stony stare on the irritating archer. "One who makes his enemies weep."
... I added it to the story becuase it was perfect!
This story is written and copyrighted (C) 2005 by Scott Bryan (also known as AG), and may not be
reprinted without permission. Annabelle, Roland, Anthony Foresight, vampirates, Sunset Sal, Amazing Guy, Justin Time, Jack Rabbit, Jackie Rabbit, Desert Rose, Eli the Elemental, Kid Produce, Scott Brunsen, Tom Irving, the JBH and the Amazing Bunch all are properties of Scott Bryan and AG.
a.g.
Amazing Guy
Scott’s Site! Featuring Caption the Pic (where action figures talk!), Amazing Tales on the Web (stories and micros of the Parodyverse!), and JLA Micros (The entire JLA, as micro heroes!)
